The Hair Problem

My fellow spoonies will understand this situation.

A few months ago, I was forced to cut my hair. I'd been putting it off for over a year. I loved my long, naturally curly, beautiful hair. I'd been slowly and painstakingly growing it for years. But as I got sicker, it got more and more difficult to take care of it. It tangled constantly, and I was too tired to brush out the matted knots twice a day. Plus, the unbearable scalp pain meant that I had almost constant headaches and migraines from brushing it.

I tried putting it in dreadlocks, which was fine for a few months. But I couldn't even take care of those - those necessary constant palm-rolling and upkeep was still too much. Plus, I struggled with the ethical problem of whether or not I was appropriating my hairstyle. So eventually, crying all the while, I hacked it off in my bathroom sink and brushed out the remainder of the dreads. I chopped it to a much more manageable (but in my mind, horrifically ugly) short bob. I cut it as short as I could bear.

It's been about three months since then. I still hate my hair. I cannot stand my short hair. I think it is frizzy, uneven, and ugly. To make matters worse, it's been growing in uneven. Since I cut it, I have very rarely gone out in public without a bandanna, head scarf, or wig. It's now grown long enough that it's starting to tangle again.

Originally, I had been hoping that over time I would figure out a solution, so that I could grow my hair back out enough to put in extensions for my wedding next year. I do not want to have pictures of myself in my family's photo albums with ugly hair. I am ashamed of my hair. It has gone from my favorite feature to the thing I hate more than anything. It is a constant reminder of the things my illness has stripped from me.

My FMIL is getting married next week, and she informed my fiancee that I was not allowed to wear my wig to the wedding. I am absolutely crushed. We were not anticipating this, so not only am I wracked with anxiety about my appearance, but it's going to be a huge financial burden for us to pay someone to make my hair remotely acceptable. I have four-inch roots, so we're going to have to pay someone to cut it AND color it. We're looking at anywhere from $50 to over $100, money that we don't have. I hate getting my hair done, because stylists rarely know how to handle my hair type, they don't do what I want, and it always comes out ugly. And now I will be stuck with ugly, horrible hair in family pictures, which is exactly what I didn't want. If we can't afford to get my hair done and I can't wear my wig, then I won't go to the wedding. Being poor and chronically ill is just very difficult sometimes.